well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
