i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Let's paint friendship bongs
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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