someone threw a dead crab at me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
