You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Bring me that man meat
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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