Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
