The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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