??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
