The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's the barista slut.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
