In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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