OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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