I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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