also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
