i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
