U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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