May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
