did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
