I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
