Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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