Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
