we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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