this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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