he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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