Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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