Are we in a gay sports bar?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
