I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
