the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
