You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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