his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
