His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
