JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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