she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
