I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
