worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
