i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
