Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
