Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
