Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
