So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You ate ashes out of my bong
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
