Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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