I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
