Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
