What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
