I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
