Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
