Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
