If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
