You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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