mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
