Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
