he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
