No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
