the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
false alarm. still invincible.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
