just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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