wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
