people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
