please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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