Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
