I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
